Fagastana College
Foo Foo Falls, West Dakota
Vol. Unknown, No. Yes
October 31, 1793
;155 Zaded
Mere- Vidliatt
Vaegalt .Suit
Faculty, Administration, Staff
Fail In Move To
Raise Fagastana Spirits
AiffeA
USE students observing the spectable of Big Al Hots turn to watch the Vermillion Fire
Department approach on its way to rescue Hots. Despite the demoralizing effect on the USE
team the raid failed to produce a Faggie win at the big game. (Photo by Mario Candid)
by Mary Christmas and Ruth Byline
The ASS had its regular 2'/z minute meeting last Sunday night.
Bob Bell called the meeting to order precisely 35.35 minutes late. The
late start was due to the fact that the ASS could not get a quorum to
attend.
First order of business was the announcement by Bruce Flat that
Big Loser's Entertainment (BLE) had been resurrected. Flat said,
"Bob and I enjoyed the recent Homeleaving concert so much that we
decided to book another group immediately. We hadn't screamed
that much in ten years, and although we were horse for a week, the
concert was well worth it." The Osmands have been booked for a con-cert
in mid-November.
During the last 30 seconds of the meeting President Bell an-nounced
that the Fagastana Smirror had won its suit against the
ASS. The ASS now owes the Smirror $30 million. The suit was filed
by the Smirror staff because the ASS has persistently harrassed the
staff by walking off with the paper cutter.
Bell said that the $30 million, plus the $1,368,119.68 the ASS
agreed to pay USE after the faculty raid, should make a debt that
would be good for a few years. Said Bell, "The debt will be something
our children can remember us by." There was no discussion on the
matter.
At this point Bob Pollens called for adjournment, and the entire
council abstained on the issue. Bell announced that there would be a
fun time after the meeting, and so the adjournment issue was
brought up again and passed.
At the fun time the announcement of the winners of the Fagastana
Impressionists Contest was made. Phil Korpse walked off with the
unanimous first place vote. Second place was a tie between Dave
Littlehog and Ruth Byline.
The fun time lasted until 5 a.m. at which time everyone got up and
went home.
Debators Take
FAG Trophy
Last week the Fagastana
faculty, staff and administration
got together to improve the spirit
at Faggie. The task force led by
Dr. Charlie Wallsir college presi-dent,
(Uncle Chuck to those of us
in the know) traveled to the USE
at Vermillion campus and
proceeded to play tricks on USE.
With remarkable courage the
force, which included Billy
(Math) Hews, Laud Fick, Jean
Autrey Hellen, Els:'e Help, Lori
Mundtson, Big Al Hots, Lucy
D-ixsell, Doretta Hugebow,
Harry Kreaker, and Mel Crime,
invaded the USE campus. Under
cover of darkness and fog, and
armed with toilet paper, water
balloons and obscene signs the
forst started their mission at the
Student Union where they
sabatoged all doors with water
balloons. They then cut off all
the dormatories with the same
procedure. Lucy Dixsell spread
tacks in all the parking lots while
the rest of the task force at-tached
toilet paper to the trees at
USE. Officials began to get
suspicious when they noticed
that the attack force was not
dressed in what they considered
a normal manner (even for USE
students).
Yes, our leaders at Faggie had
made one tactical error. They all
dressed in tin foil, in hopes that
of helium balloons the Faggie
USE people would think them
from outer space and therefore
be terrified. However, students
delayed the task force by trying
to communicate with them,
which even Faggie students have
a hard time doing and the Force
was spotted by officials in the
Student Union. After a chase
scene in which the cask force es-caped
by floating off the roof of
the Student Union with the help
Charlie Ballsir
spirit team was stymied when
the escape vehicle, Clara Fee's
Volks, suffered four flat, tires
from the tacked parking lots.
The task force was lectured by
USE president Richard Bone,
and was allowed to return to
Fagastana after the Vermillion
Fire Dept. rescued Big Al Hots,
who refused to come down from a
tree after a branch ripped off his
tin foil ensemble.
The USE officials hired needy
Cryotes profs to clean up the
tricks of the task force at $3 a
minute and the resulting bill
came to $1,368,119.68 (this in-cludes
the doctor's bill for
removing tacks from the profs
feet, since the profs, as faculty
everywhere, were too poor to af-ford
shoes).
A.S.S.President Bob Bell call-ed
the action the most childish
thing he had ever haard of but
the A.S.S. Council agreed to pay
the bill out of the A.S.S. mis-cellaneous
fund provided the
Task Force agreed to give the
students 24 hr. open dorms. Bell
said that "this is something so
foolish that Faggis students
would never do anything like
this."
Ego-
Notes By Quad Alpha
It has become quite apparent
to the members of this group
that Faggie needs some clean-up
work done. We have become in-creasingly
disturbed. by the long
(Continued by Page 2)
The Fagastana Debate Team
returned from its recent trip to
Zambia and the Forensics
Association Games (FAG). At
the games the team was the
winner of six gold medals, two
bronze, and one booby prize.
Barb Presdown was the winner
of a gold medal in the original
oratory competition. Her topic
was "The Effect of the Study of
World Literature on the
Nerves."
Larry Shyly presented an oral
interpretation of "Old Mac-donald
Goes to the Moon" to
capture the gold medal. Bronze
medal winner in the same divi-sion
was Dave Littlehog with his
interpretation of "The Life and
Times of Bob Bell."
Steve Singer and Steve
Mellow shared the gold medal
honors in the debate tourna-ment.
They had a total record of
5 wins and no losses. Their topic
was "Desolved: Raquel Welch is
a Sex Symbol." Strangely
enough, Singer and Mellow
never had to debate against the
issue.
In the coaches competition
Jerry Window walked off with the
first prize for Fagastana He
presented a public address 'en-titled
"Coaching: Is it Wirth
It?"
In the final category in which
Faggie Scored a victory was the
extemporaneous speaking con-test.
Dave The Lap won the gold
medal for the topic "Rain is
Good for the Grass." Bronze
medal in this division was Deb
Sitdown for the topic "Was Ole
Really a Pirate?"
The only other award won by
Faggie was the all-around booby
prize which was carried off by
Jon (Math) Hews. He entered
his same entry, "The Life and
Times of Geoffrey Chaucer" in
every event. However, he
neglected to translate his speech
into modern English and none of
the judges could understand
him. They thought he was swear-ing
at them and awarded him
the booby prize.
Overall, Faggie won the FAG
all-around high-scoring team
trophy. Congratulations, team!
The SMIRROR dis-avows
any
knowledge of the
writers and articles
of this publication.
The names have
been changed to
protect the guilty.
Any similarity to
real persons or
places is purely in-tentional.